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| Saturday, December 12th, 2009 | | 3:30 pm |
popping in
It's been over a year since I've posted. I've just stopped in to let anybody know who is interested that my primary updating spot is Facebook now. If you don't know my real name but want to add me as a friend, comment here, and I will add you. My life is so much busier than when I began this journal. I look back and see all the times I've used this space to vent and celebrate as well. The awful days of bed bugs are stored here as well as the magic of training with Sicily. This journal helped me through so much, though I have not felt the need for it in a long time. I live with two people who keep me busy, and venting ior celebrating is just a matter of opening my mouth now. I may pop in here every once in a while, but this will remain as more of a memory vault. Current Mood:  calm | | Thursday, December 4th, 2008 | | 9:54 am |
| | Sunday, June 29th, 2008 | | 2:46 am |
| | Monday, March 24th, 2008 | | 10:48 am |
Body of War
A friend sent me this, and I watched the clips of the movie and of the Bill Moyers interview. I haven't been to a movie since Sicko last summer, but I think I'll actually pay to se this in theaters. It seems exceptional. PBS Program: Bill Moyers Journal Air date: March 21, 2008 Description: Bill Moyers interviews former talk show host Phil Donahue and Ellen Spiro on the true cost of war and their documentary, BODY OF WAR, depicting the moving story of one veteran dealing with the aftermath of war. With extensive excerpts from the film, the filmmakers talk about Iraq war veteran Tomas Young who was shot and paralyzed less than a week into his tour of duty. Three years in the making, BODY OF WAR tells the poignant tale of the young mans journey from joining the service after 9/11 to fight in Afghanistan, to living with devastating wounds after being deployed to Iraq instead. Link to PBS Bill Moyers: http://www.pbs.org/moyers/journal/03212008/profile.html View program/ read transcripts. Documentary Film: Title: Body of War Description: Body of War is an intimate and transformational feature documentary about the true face of war today. Meet Tomas Young, 25 years old, paralyzed from a bullet to his spine - wounded after serving in Iraq for less than a week. Body of War is Tomas' coming home story as he evolves into a new person, coming to terms with his disability and finding his own unique and passionate voice against the war. The film is produced and directed by Phil Donahue and Ellen Spiro, and features two original songs by Eddie Vedder. Body of War is a naked and honest portrayal of what it's like inside the body, heart and soul of this extraordinary and heroic young man. Official link for the film: Body of War http://www.bodyofwarmusic.com/ Body of War Music: http://www.bodyofwarmusic.com/ Current Mood: furious at our government | | Wednesday, March 12th, 2008 | | 9:58 am |
springing back in
Surprise. I am actually posting believe it or not. I read my last entry the other day, and I thought it was time to breeze back in and pull up a chair for a few minutes. I apologize to all of you still mired in snow and ice, but the past few weeks in northern California have presented us with sun and temperatures in the '60s. We did endure a rainy February which frustrated Sicily and me, but our winter wasn't bad in comparison to the monsoons we've dealt with in past years. I don't think any counties were cloaked in flood warnings this year. at this point, we should be past any serious winter storms hopefully. Emotionally, the past few months have been both rewarding and draining. My last post sounds so full of worry and unanswered questions thatI am thankful to be where I currently am. I received a job offer from the Lighthouse of San Francisco in November to take on the responsibility of teacher's assistant in a medical transcription training program. It's a long distance training course where all the work is completed via Internet conferencing and e-mailed assignments. The students come to the Lighthouse each day to participate in the course courtesy of new computers bought specifically for the class. The course is based out of the Lighthouse of Houston; they've been instructing students in medical transcription for eons, but the Lighthouse of San Francisco decided, as a pilot project, to launch a satelite class here. So, Houston personnel teach the class online, and students from the Bay area can participate. Three students are enrolled currently, and, though we experienced some technical glitches initially, class has been in session for 2 months at this point, and all systems are running much more smoothly. The students are all fun and enthusiastic. We have our days where nothing seems to go according to plan, but I love coming to work each day and spending 8 hours with them. The work is intense, and a few folks are doing a lot of work at home as well as at the Lighthouse, but the dedication and will to succeed amazes me. This group will not quit, and everybody is making tremendous progress. Luckily, we haven't run in to any major disagreements between classmates as of yet; they all like one another, and we spend lots of time being irreverent and laughing our asses off. When you're learning about the digestive tract and transcribing dictations about shit and vomit, basically anything goes discussionwise. Two people are in their early '20s, and the other student is in her late '40s. I'm kind of in the middle. It's a unique dynamic, and nobody in here is shy to express their opinions. What I love is that I feel as if I'm coming to spend time with agroup of friends each day rather than working, and that makes the reality that I need to wake up at 5 AM to get here bearable. The class is going so well that we've received funding for another year after this group of students graduates. All in all, I'm at a positive spot right now. I am also in a great living situation. I was terribly worried that I would have to move last fall, but, as a result of this job, I am able to continue living alone in the same apartment. That made the transition to a new job much easier. Moving would have added so much stress to familiarizing myself with a new routine. After contracting for two years as a tech trainer, this new schedule was daunting initially, and I felt draned physically and emotionally by the end of the day. Finally, though, I am used to this schedule, and I don't feel like falling in to bed when I get home at night. I also find myself with lots of mellow time at work now that many technical glitches that we experienced at the outset have been worked out, so I hope to get back in to the swing of updating here. A few years ago, I wrote all the time, and I lost that rhythm. Let's see if I can revive it. Sicily also continues to mature as a guide while maintaining her fervor for puppy fun. Everybody in the class loves her, so she looks forward to coming to work each day so she can greet everybody in her bouncy Sicily way. She is free to wander in the tecnology lab we are situated in since the door is closed and there is little trouble she can get into. She seems happy with our new lifestyle. Each day we go home and play a raucous game of tug. Then, she insists that I sit next to her while she chews her bone as if to say, mom, I watched you work all day. Now, be patient while I deal with this here bone. And don't go anywhere. I've also hired an acquaintance to take her out one night a week for a really hard play session in a nearby park to give her a bit more exercise. She seems pretty content. Sometimes, I am afraid that the contentment I seem to feel lately is a joke that will end in a nasty punchline. But I have to remember that it's OK to feel good, sing a few bars of a nonsensepop song in the shower, to stop worrying that something horrid will befall me with my next footstep. I spent most of the fall feeling extremely angry and frustrated with my life situation. I told just_jess78 that I wanted to work so hard at my new job that I felt numb at the end of the day, numb enough not to feel. I was wrong. I am working hard, and this class is headed in a positive direction as a result of that. I look forward to working each day. I look forward to relaxing at home. I don't feel that old, gnawing anger about the pieces of my life that haven't come together or the ones that have never matched up the way I would have liked lately. I feel more hope than I have for a long time that I might make something of myself after all, that maybe I'm not a minor league player who can't rise up to the majors. I thought that I felt so much that numbness was the only way to feel better for a long time. Nothing seemed to be going right, but I understand that numbness just makes you angrier. I have to feel in order to maintain hope, and that's what I love about the current spot I am in. I feel hope finally. Spring's barely here, but I am seeing summer. A friend of mine says she flies in her dreams. Right now, I feel like I'm starting to be free enough to try to fly in my daily life, and I want to appreciate this pulse of new vitality as much as I can. So, to all of you buried in snow, I hope you start digging out of it soon. Not everything will be OK, but some things will. And it's those some things that will keep you going. If you catch yourself flying, don't try too hard to touch the ground too fast. Sometimes, it's OK not to have the ground under you for a moment. Current Mood: awake | | Tuesday, September 11th, 2007 | | 7:41 pm |
cross roads
This has not been one of the easiest weeks. First, to all the Sicily fans out there, she is the one major high point in what is becoming a rather upsetting time of drama and change for me. She's working well, and she's not peeing in the living room. We continue to form a deeper bond as the weeks progress, and I am thankful for this positive element in my life. Unfortunately, some rather unpleasant life decisions are now on the table. My roommate, who is basically absent the majority of the time, has decided to permanently move to southern California in December. He is on Section 8, and I've been paying the majority of the rent for about 9 months. It has been beneficial to him for many reasons; he's always kept this place as a safety net, even though he's been primarily spending time with his son in southern Cali the past two years or so. When I signed on the lease last December, it worked out well for me. My living situation with Connie and her jackass boyfriend had been a major trial, and the prospect of living virtually alone was really attractive. Unfortunately, Section 8 has raised the rent on this apartment by over $200; this will start as of October 1. This has basically propeled my roommate to decide that hanging onto this apartment is no longer worth it to him. The apartment managers will not allow me to transfer the lease in to my name; of course, it would go to market value if I was primary leaseholder, but my intention had been to find a roommate to make it viable. Unfortunately, my finances on paper and the fact that they want to renovate this apartment and really jack up the rent just don't make me a good risk for them. So, I'm left with the necessity of finding a new living situation by December. Given my financial inconsistency, this is not a good spot to be in. I am teaching a typing class beginning this coming Monday, 9 hours for four weeks. That will give me a little chunk of change, but there is absolutely no garentae that enough students will be interested in another typing class. My contract work with the adaptive technology company I've been dealing with has really dribbled away. I've been on the waiting list for a state job with the state as a employment benefits counsellor for almost a year now. The state opened up these limited employment appointment program spots to help qualified individuals with disabilities move quickly through the process of applying for a job with the state. This process is at a standstill currently. I've looked in to other opportunities, but nothing has really panned out. So, I need to move at a time when my finances are not great, and I live in the most expensive part of the country. Sharing an apartment is my only real option. Even a studio is out of my reach unless something major changes. What I'm finding is that most people absolutely do not want dogs. And they have the right to that choice. An apartment complex can't legally discriminate, but an individual doesn't have to share with a furry, four-legged animal if they don't feel like it. I've lived in Cali for five years. Some times have been good; others have been grim. This situation is really not looking good. I've been trying all my contacts in the area, asking them to get the word out in hopes that somebody they know will be searching for a roommate. If things don't come through, I may have little choice but to go back to the Northeast and try to find my way in another state. In many ways, Sicily has opened many doors; in other ways, I can not take the same risks I once would have. I will no longer live in sketchy neighborhoods as I once did; it's unsafe for Sicily, and she really has to come first in a lot of ways. I have managed to pull things together many times here. I dealt with bed bugs, crappy roommates and I initially made it work for me out here after moving 3,000 miles from Vermont five years ago. There are only so many rabbits I can yank out of my baseball cap, however. This time, I'm going to need some luck or some direction. I am not religious, but I do believe there is some semblance of reason behind life and the situations individuals find themselves in. I am not sure what I am supposed to do at this point. I've worked hard to manage here. The transportation is incomparable to anywhere else in my opinion, but the cost of living is astronomical. OK. I've been working on this on and off for a few hours in between Msn conversations, and now it's time for the pup and I to call it a night. What I wouldn't give for a few years of peace., a stable job, a relationship where the magic doesn't dissipate and a clean place to live that doesn't fall through my fingers. Current Mood:  frustrated | | Saturday, September 1st, 2007 | | 7:02 pm |
almost fall
It's September in Cali, and most of the country is preparing for fall. Here, it's usually the hottest time of the year, '80s and sunshine until mid October when, one day, it's in the low '50s and rainy without warning. And, the weather is conforming to expectation at the moment; it's hot with no real break in sight. Now, it's not humid and in the '90s, but there's a different concept of hot and cold in northern California. When the thermometer starts inching above 80, the general consensus is that it's uncomfortable, and people start thinking about buying air conditioners. I used to think everybody here was a wimp when I first moved here 5 years ago, but now I'm getting to be just like them. So, to all of you dripping in other parts of the country, feel free to berate my perception of hot. In the almost month since I last posted, Sicily is doing amazingly well. She's only peed in the living room once in the past three weeks, and I am feeling so much better about the situation. I've developed a more rigid releiving schedule that I try very hard to stick too no matter where we are, and Nature's Miracle has proven to be truly an exceptional cleaning product and deterrent. Thanks imafarmgirl; I should have started using it a long time ago. Guide Dogs might not aprove of this, but she gets Kibble when she pees in the releiving spot outside at home. I'm aware that awarding her for something she's supposed to do is maybe not advisable, but peeing on the carpet is unacceptable, and I wanted her to see peeing in her proper releiving spot as something positive. I don't reward her for it when we're out, only at home. It's working also. She has stopped in the midst of playing in the living room lately and walked to the door and stood there wagging. I'm starting to ween her from the rewards now, but I believe it has made a major difference along with everything else. I was starting to get scared in late July that this was going to be an intractable problem. At some point, I will have the living room staem cleaned just to try and remove any hint of old pee smell, but she seems much less inclined to pee there, and I am so fucking releived. In other news, I will be teaching a typing/keyboarding class starting in mid September. This makes me extremely less worried about finances. If the class goes well, the company I contract with will continue it. It's a four-week class, 3 hours each day Monday, Wednesday and Friday. It will mostly be VA clients who are eligible for a computer with adaptive software but have no idea how to navigate a standard PC keyboard. The money will be good, and I hope that enough people will want to take subsequent classes. I also have a few applications out for other jobs, but I have nothing substantive to report at this point. My big news is that the video I recorded at the Famecast auditions almost a month ago is now up on their web site, and the voting has begun. I did three poems for them, and they selected one. I'd love your support and votes. You can visit http://www.famecast.com/leahgardnerI'd love to go as far as possible in this competition and get more of my work out there. So, if you like the poem, cast your vote for me, and feel free to spread the word to your friends and their friends. Today, I was lucky enough to visit with a friend I haven't seen in five years. We used to hang out when I lived in Burlington, Vt. We went to poetry readings together, and he watched me slam many times. He also created this audible frisbee, basically a standard frisbee with a battery pack affixed to the back. It made this wining sound when you turned it on, and we used to play many games of frisbee catch together in the park. I lost it in my move to California, and our contact really petered out over the years. He's irreverent, sometimes given to saying filthy sexual things and probably the most laid back guy I know. He called me out of the blue Thursday; I didn't even realize he still had my number since I lost his in some Braillenote crash a year or so ago. He has relatives in the Bay area and wanted to see if we could meet up. It was so much fun to meet up with him, talk about old times in Burlington and what's goind on at many of the venues and spots we used to visit. The arts space where I used to participate in slams is gone, reconstructed in to an apartment building now. This tiny coffeeshop called Radio Bean is so popular now that the management may knock down a wall to expand it; I remember when the place opened, and we used to hang out for hours, the only people in the place. He seems healthy and as content with life and his place in it as ever, and spending a few hours with him eating Chinese food, walking around downtown Berkeley and eating ice cream on a sunny September day was perfect. Sicily was also really impressive for the most part today. There was a football game at UC Berkeley, the first of the season I guess, and the Bart train and the downtown Berkeley train station were overcrowded with hyper fans. She was perfect, cautious where she needed to be, and she found spaces amid scores of people to lead me to the stairs to exit the platform and she weaved her way flawlessly to the fare gates and escalator out to street level. I have gotten to a point where I trust her much more, and I can really start to feel the team aspect of our relationship building with each excursion. She did eat a few bites of bagel on the sidewalk, and Chris agreed to help with some food distractions. There were more bagel fragments in the area, and he kept moving them so that I could back track and work Sicily to the spot he placed the food in. She went for it once, and I was able to give her a hard core correction at the moment her head dived down for it.. After that, she refused to take the bait. She is a scavenger, and it was great to have Chris's eyes for a while and work on some distractions since I don't always catch her at the moment she dives for some tasty or gross sidewalk morsel, so reinforcing the anti-scavenging policy was really good for both of us. OK. I'm off to find some dinner. Tomorrow, I'm taking my friend Anne out for a belated birthday lunch. Right now, I just want to relax because it was hot today, and I did a lot of walking in the sun. What I love, though, is that I feel tired in that good, well worth it way. It's not often I can say I saw a friend I haven't met with in five years. Good food, warm sun and ice cream are all smile worthy. The fact that I have a super dog named Sicily to share it with makes it even better. Happy Labor Day weekend folks! Current Mood: calm | | Monday, August 6th, 2007 | | 7:14 pm |
Famecast and more
I didn't realize how much time has passed since I last updated. Of course, I've gone many months without writing before, so a few weeks is rather short in comparison. Sicily and I are doing reasonably well. Her guide work continues to progress smoothly. We've gotten to a point where she is really starting to know most of my major routes. She knows what fare gates are at the Bart station now and tends to bring me directly to them no matter what station we might be at. For me, this demonstrates the difference between dog and cane. Instead of bumbling along looking for gates that aren't always in the most logical place, she is starting to guide me right to them. Each station is very different, and this recognition of what entry gates are has made navigating them much simpler. Finding an open train door is also so much simpler with her. She does occasionally attempt to guide me to the space between two cars; there is some open air where cars hitch up. To her, it looks like an opening. So, I always stick my foot out a bit to be sure we're heading in to a car. She's only done this a few times, but it could cause some grave injury, so I seriously praise and reward her when she finds an open door, not an open space. Navigating to the entrances of stores and restaurants is so much easier and less stressful as well. I am at a point where I am really seeing how positively life changing working with a dog is. I currently have a client that is allergic to dogs, and I had to use my cane exclusively for travel for the first time last week since I began working with Sicily. I hated it; until you pull out that dreaded stick, you forget all the objects and obstacles these dogs weave you around. I had no idea that a large hole has been dug up where cement used to be right down the street because Sicily has been guiding me expertly around it. I have to see this client a number of times, and the one positive aspect of cane work will be to reconfirm the indescribable value of having Sicily in my life. I can't afford not to work with this client, but the remainder of my time working with her will not be pleasant without my puppy along. Luckily, I see this woman for 2-hour stretches, and she is rather close to where I live. So, Sicily is only alone for 3.5 hours. My acquaintance with a guide dog has agreed to take her out to releive about midway through the time I'll be away, and that worked really well last week. I wish I didn't have to leaveher on tie down for the duration of time I'm gone, but her pee problems are still not quite under control. Imafarmgirl, I took you up on the Nature's Miracle suggestion, and using this product has been extremely effective. Sicily still thinks the living room carpet is a releiving spot on occasion, however. It happens less, but it does still occur. I caught her in the act this afternoon and immediately put her on tie down. It's been a while since she peed in the living room, but I think she got overstimulated while playing and let loose. At this point, I take her out about every 2 hours when we are home, and that's been working well. I also tend to keep her play time in the living room contained to immediately after she pees outside, and that's been working well. She has never urinated in my room, so I bring her in here an hour or so after she has releived just to try and avoid any incidents and to offer her as much off tie down time as possible. Her house behaviors are really superb other than her propensity to pee in the living room. I had been allowing her more time in the living room the past few days because she's been good about peeing in appropriate places. I have heard a number of people tell me that a strict releiving schedule is imperative in the short term after bringing a guide dog home. The issue I face with this is that the schedule gets varied for a number of reasons. I don't have the same schedule or obligations each day. With my rather limited contract work at the moment, we're not going out every day of the week. I have applied for a job that would keep me in one office for a 40-hour work week, and that would change things signifigantly. Even if I were doing contract work every day, the schedule would change because it's hard to be tight with a schedule when dealing with transportation, different lengths of work hours and clients at varying times of the day. Another piece is that I often attend meetings or have some social obligations that change things up. I make sure she has an opportunity to releive every 2-3 hours no matter what I'm doing, but it's not always at the same time each day. I try to keep her first and last releiving time rather standard. Another variable that makes a difference is whether she pees at a given time or not. Because I'm wary of her living room incidents, I'll take her out to releive sooner than I would otherwise if she doesn't releive, and that changes the schedule also. What I'm trying to do is offer more releiving opportunities, limit her time in the living room and reinforce consequences when an incident does occur. I believe imafarmgirl suggested that the core of the problem may be that particular carpet, however, and I fear that this problem will rear its head as long as I live here. Steam cleaning is extremely costly, and it may not have much of an affect if I do try that approach. The carpet is so old and worn that investing in such thorough cleaning may not really do anything. There is a matting under the carpet which is probably holding countless odors from past dogs and now from Sicily herself. There's no way to have this carpet torn up and new carpeting installed unless I pay for it which isn't possible, so I'm kind of stuck with trying to deal in the best way I can with the situation. So, that's been my main stress with Sicily. Other than pee, everything else is progressing smoothly. I also decided to put on my performance poetry hat and participate in a casting call for a Web outfit called Famecast.com. They offer artists an opportunity to place a video of their performance work on their web site. The idea is that people who see videos vote for their favorites, and the individual with the most votes gets some acclaim and a monetary prize. Usually, you have to upload your own videos, but Famecast came to the Bay area this weekend and offered to videotape you, edit the footage and place it on the Web for you. So, I managed to get a performance slot yesterday and got some video of my performance work shot. It should be up on the site in two weeks or so. For anybody interested, I'll give you the Web address once the footage is up so you can check it out. It was fun. It's been a while since I've performed, and it felt good. No matter what, they will provide me with a copy of the video, so I can use it for promotional purposes also. I figure Famecast gets some good publicity by traveling around doing these cast calls. They're going to Chicago next weekend, and I believe they did some cast calls in Texas a few weeks ago as well. I figured I couldn't lose in this equasion. Also, these folks were extremely respectful and unruffled by the blindness angle. There was one of those damn visual verification images to sign up for an audition spot on their web site. When I wrote an e-mail asking for them to provide some alternative way for me to sign up, I got an e-mail almost immediately from a real person, not some auto response. He apologized profusely for the inaccessibility and asked me how they could remedy the problem in the future, asked me for web sites that have provided audio representations of those characters so that he could provide Famecast web developers information. He submitted my form for me, and I was really impressed with how genuinely concerned he was with the situation. The people at the cast call yesterday were also really great. They weren't freaked out at all, and they made me feel extremely comfortable. I make a point of this because, when I was performing a lot, I encountered a lot of people who were strained, weirded out and horribly uncomfortable in my presence. So, unfortunately, I feel I have to point out examples where people are actually OK and natural. So, all in all, I give Famecast two thumbs up at the moment. So, that's what's current in my world. I'm also selfishly missing just_jess78 this week. She's in Michigan at an annual women's music festival. She's never attended before and has been anticipating this week for a long time, so I hope she's having fun and that it will turn out to be everything she is hoping for. I hope her new guide dog enjoys it too. From my vantage point, it's the first time since we began talking last year that I will be out of tuch with her for over a week, and I'm struggling with that. We talk almost every day at night, and I feel kind of lost I guess without her to mull life over with in the evenings. I'll hear all the stories when she gets home next week, but I wish I could hear them in real time. I feel pathetic I guess, but there it is. So, that's enough from me. Time to releive the puppy. Current Mood:  thoughtful | | Saturday, July 14th, 2007 | | 11:49 pm |
Sicko, targeting and more pee
If you haven't seen Sicko, you should. Yes. We all know the healthcare system is a corporate swamp of beauracracy and impenetrable red tape. We know the stuffing is pouring out of it because each day for proffit HMOs and insurance companies bite wider holes in the remaining tatters. But Michael Moore shows you just how sick the system is. He also demonstrates just how sick our healthcare infrastructure is in comparison to so many other countries. In all honesty, he offers no real solution to the crisis, but my hope is that the raw pain and blistering disregard for American lives reflected in this movie will start spurring enough murmurs for change that might at least incrementally begin inflicting nicks in the insurance company proffit armor. It's two hours with little relief from the stark reality presented. So, don't think you're going to walk out smiling, but definitely go. It was great to see K and Amber, though. I am finding that right now, however, I have to concentrate so much on what Sicily is doing that it's a bit more challenging to socialize while walking. Also, my speed is so much faster with her, that walking is another experience in itself. I know, in time, I will be able to relax more and correct less, so please be patient with us if talking and walking is a bit more challenging currently. Sicily was reasonably with it. She was rather sniffy at times. We were in San Francisco, most of it in a new area for her. So, there was lots to sniff. Though I really don't like gentle leaders, I think I am going to have to use one for new urban territory. She works relatively efficiently, but she does stop consistently to put her nose to the ground, and I need that to subside. A few two-handed corrections got the message across for long lengths of time. I just would like more control over her head. She did do extremely well on the city bus. There was basically wall to wall people, and we stood. A few seats were available, but sitting in them would have put her in too much danger of being stepped on. She was more curious about the packed space than freaked out. Controlling her was a bit tough at times, but, considering how uncomfortable the ride probably was for her, I think she did a good job of holding it together. Luckily, in the theater, she had plenty of room to lie down. After me, the rest of the aisle was empty, so she could stretch out on my left without being squeezed in front of my feet. She remained in a down position for the duration, but she groaned loudly a lot. Whiny, grumpy groans that I suspect were meant to amplify her annoyance at the lengthy down time. I became a little worried that she might not be feeling well, but these groans ceased the moment we left the theater. I'm not sure whether I should have corrected her in some way. I would like to attend a few more movies that aren't crowded to see if she repeats this behavior to see if this was just a freak occurrence or if she just needs to learn that she'll have to make do and settle down in more cramped situations. She's been fine the past few days also. Megan G. came out on Friday and said my targeting of light poles with her for the complicated bus stop crossing was really great. She watched us do a few crossings, and she said we're melding well as a team. That same afternoon, I went for icecream with the other dog user in my complex, and it was a nice new route for her, and the two dogs worked well together. This afternoon, we went to a Pushing Limits meeting that lasted rather long, and she really behaved well. Very few groans and she was able to lie down without trying to get up too many times. Unfortunately, her last act of the day was another pee incident. I took her out for her last releiving about 10; I am positive she peed. She did so almost immediately once we got to her favorite spot. We got back inside, and I went in my room for a few moments. Over the past two days, I've again tried giving her more freedom with less and less tie down time. She has been great up until this evening. No rampaging through the apartment. No pee. Really calm household behavior. So, she came in my room and lay down quietly. I went out in to the living room and stepped in a nice little puddle. So, she's back on tie down restriction. What bothers me is the fact that she continues to pee after she has releived outside. I am going to spend a minimum of 10 minutes again with her at releiving from this point on for a while. I don't know whether she just hasn't totally emptied or whether, for some reason, something about the living room rug propels her to piss on it. All of her incidents have been on that rug. All three different spots on it but the same general area. I really need to find a way to stop this behavior. I can't keep cleaning urine out of the living room rug each week. It's old apartment carpet with nasty padding underneath it, and this is getting to be a problem. There have been other dogs who have lived in this apartment, but if she feels the need to mark her territory, why hasn't she chosen another location? I am willing to lengthen releiving time, and obviously she needs to be restricted to leash and tie down again for a while, but all her other behaviors other than this urination bullshit suggest she is adjusting well and OK with increased household freedom. OK. Enough venting. Sicily's snoring, and I'm off to bed myself. Current Mood:  sleepy | | Wednesday, July 11th, 2007 | | 9:49 pm |
quickly
I'm kind of tired but haven't updated about life and Sicily for a bit, so here is some tidbits. Another woman and her guide dog live in my complex. So, over the past week, I've been spending a bit of time with her. She got her dog from another school in California. So, we talked about our experiences at our respective schools, and I'll just say I'm glad I chose Gdb. No need to go in to any major detail because I see absolutely nothing wrong with the instruction she received. I just think, for me, Gdb was the best option. She's shown me a terrific grassy area for Sicily to play in, and I'm thrilled because it's great stress relief for her to run around on a flexi leash and expend some puppy energy. We're also going on some walks together. She's not working currently, and her dog is a little overweight from inactivity, so I think having another guide dog user around to talk with and to go on small outings with is spurring her to want to go out and exercise her dog as well. Sicily is doing reasonably well. She's basically got the route to the closest bus stop down. I did some clicker training with her on finding the light pole next to the major intersection we have to cross to get to the stop, and that worked like a charm. The crossing itself is complicated, so I've been heeling her through it to get her used to it; today, I had her work it for the first time, and she really did a nice job. She did well finding the entrance gates at Bart as well. We did some new work today. I had to go to my tax preparer to talk about a small issue I am having with the Irs; I filed my taxes late this year, and they charged me a penalty but wouldn't let me pay this nominal fee by electronic means which drives me fucking nuts because I conduct basically all my business via online or credit card transactions. So, after sorting out that issue, positively by the way, I walked her to the post office nearby and then back to Bart. She did well. I wasn't teribly familiar with that area since I see my tax preparer few times during the year, but we managed to get where we needed to be. She was sniffier than I would like, and I may need to use her gentle leader more, though I really dislike those things. One thing that is worrying me to some degree is Sicily's propensity to scavenge for food. She is real quick, and she is picking up bits of food off the Bart floor, the street and other areas before I can react to stop her. I hear crunching and know she's got something, but it's too late to stop her from swallowing it. She vomited during the night Monday, and I am certain it was probably from something she scarfed up earlier. She was fine afterwards, but I've got to find a way to manage this problem before it becomes worse. Setting her up with food distractions results in her pouncing on the morsel in question, so I definitely need some suggestions in terms of nipping this in the bud. Megan G. is coming out for a routine post graduate evaluation Friday, and I've explained my concerns to her about this, so I hope she can offer some much needed help. Tomorrow night, I'm taking Sicily to San Francisco again to see the new Michael Moore movie with some friends. This will be her first time in a theater, so I'm hoping it goes well. Sicko shouldn't be the kind of movie with lots of little kids and obnoxious people, though it may be crowded. The hope is to get there earlier and get seats with lots of leg room, so she has some space to lie down comfortably. I hope all goes well. Also, the bonding is progressing well. She's starting to put her head on my leg more or bang her bone or kong against my foot while playing. She'll also fling these toys short distances so I can throw them back to her. She still loves to play tug, and she'll bring the ring over to me sometimes and drop it in front of me. All in all, I think we're adjusting well, though I have those days when I'm overwhelmed. She's back to being on tie down less now and managing to stay out of trouble. She tried to go on a running rampage through the apartment last Saturday, so she was put on a 48-hour tie down for that and for failing to come when called. She has not pulled that stunt last night or today, however, so we'll see. OK. Time for bed. 6:30 AM comes early. Current Mood: content | | Wednesday, July 4th, 2007 | | 8:40 pm |
why Sicily, why?
It was a really mellow July 4th here. I didn't want to make any plans involving fireworks displays or any major barbecus, not that I was invited anywhere. But, I wouldn't have wanted to subject Sicily to that kind of noise or any big crowd of people yet. I'm trying to just introduce her to various people here and there right now and focus mainly on getting her adjusted to our neighborhood and the apartment. So, I took her out early this morning and then went back to bed for a while. I worked her over to the convenience store where lots of construction is going on, so she has a number of puzzles she needs to figure out how to navigate me through, having to walk in the street for some of the route because some major work is being done on the sidewalk, fencing that is sticking out on the sidewalk that needs to be circumvented and finding the turn in to the parking lot. She was really great at all of it today. Her only mis step was cutting me too close to the curb at one point, so I tripped and almost lost my balance. I had her rework it, and she was really cautious and did a fantastic job the second time around. Unfortunately, the evening was bumpier. I took her out to releive around 6:30; she hadn't peed during the previous releiving, so I was getting worried; basically, it had been around 5 hours since she'd peed. Outside, she peed, so I let her walk around more in hopes she might poop. Rather quickly, she was pulling to go back inside. So, we got in, and I puttered in the kitchen a bit and then we played tug. In the midst of the game, I stepped in a massive amount of wetness with my stocking feet. Pee! It was definitely fresh. So, either I thought she peed outside and she didn't, or, for some reason, she didn't finish out there. The spot on the carpet she picked is close in proximity to the area she peed on her first evening here. So, I'm not sure what the deal is. She knew she'd goofed too. I went for the paper towels and started beginning the clean up work, and she sat silently watching me. I'm wondering if any of this is territorial. I know that other guide dogs have lived in this apartment in previous years, so I'm wondering if some faint scents are propelling her to mark her presence somehow. I will stay outside with her 15 minutes each releiving if I have too, but I want her to be empty when we come inside. Also, she's going back on much more tie down for a few days because it seems she's not quite able to handle the increased freedom I've been allowing. I also need to get some really good carpet cleaner; it could be a residual whiff of her old pee spot that got her in a pissing mood. Whatever the deal, it was annoying. I also spoke to my mother today. My grandmother died in May as those of you who have been reading my journal for a while know. My mother is trying to help my grandfather as much as possible, but she said today he is really not managing well. My grandparents were married for almost 61 years, and she basically ran the household and called all the shots. She wrote the checks, kept track of due payments and told him what to do. He didn't make any major decisions since the end of World War II, and he's struggling. He can't balance the checkbook because he doesn't know how. My mother has tried to help him, but it's apparently just too overwhelming for him to learn at this point in his life, so she offered to take care of it for him after he insisted he wanted to do it but then called her in frustration daily. He is also crying constantly and visiting the places they used to frequent almost every day. They used to walk through a local mall almost every morning together, and he is still doing this. They used to buy coffee at Dunkin Doughnuts every day, and he's doing that. He has hung pictures of her in every room, and he walks around the house looking at them. He is able to cook for himself, and he is sleeping, but all of us in my family feel this loss is something he will not work through. He's 83 years old, and it sounds so trite, but his heart's broken. Fate is sometimes a monster. She would have persevered if he had died first. She would have been devestated obviously, but she was so hardheaded and determined, she would have engaged in other activities. My grandfather lived his life through her, and it's a jagged twist of destiny that dropped him in to the reality he's currently facing. I just hope, in his remaining years, he finds some amount of peace in time, some vitality. OK. I think that's enough. Luckily, Sicily's sleeping through the fireworks. One more releiving for the puppy, and I'm calling it a night. Current Mood: pensive | | Monday, July 2nd, 2007 | | 7:40 am |
coexistence
Saturday marked Sicily's first week home with me. I'm thankful every day that I was matched with this phenomenal dog. Many times, though, I feel kind of overwhelmed, exhausted and challenged to the max. One of our trainers said we were developing the tools to work and live successfuly with our dogs, but nobody can prepare you for the reality of bringing a new puppy home. Even the discussion specifically designed for asking questions about transitioning back in to the real world with a dog couldn't possibly begin to impress upon me how changed, from top to bottom, my life would become. My class was chided for not asking enough questions during that discussion; the thing is, until you find yourself on your living room floor, saying "no" forcefully for the 20th time because Sicily is insistent about chewing a futon pillow, the impact of this life transition doesn't really hit. Our first few days were reasonably OK aside from the pee incident the night we got home. She was on tie down most of the time, and she settled down rather quickly. Thursday, we went to San Francisco to meet my friend Amber for a late lunch. We went back to the Union Square area those of you who trained in my class will remember. We walked a good 20 or so blocks throughout the afternoon. Amber remarked how fast we walked, and I never realized how much my pace had changed since working with her until Amber said that we were moving so rapidly that some people were having difficulty getting out of our way because they weren't seeing us ttill the last minute. Sicily was terrific, though, weaving around street furniture and reams of pedestrians. Some of her street crossings were a bit off; she wanted to steer me in to traffic a few times, but I think that is possibly because some of my crossings were off and that I wasn't aligned directly in the crosswalk. What is hard to tell is whether some of this pulling was just to get around something or somebody and if she would have corrected on her own had Amber not said that we were veering. She stopped at every curb, however, without fail and she really demonstrated some great caution with people on the sidewalk in particularly crowded stretches. Amber has a scooter, so she was able to keep up with us without trouble, riding just a little behind. This won't be easy for lots of people I know, however. We'll have to meet up with many of my friends at the end of the block. Slowing Sicily down, now that we have a chieved a pace that works for us, isn't really feasible. One major difficulty I'm experiencing is trying to find the gates in the Bart station I use most of the time. I am so used to finding the turn to head towards them with a cane, and I keep missing that spot where we have to make an immediate right to get on the right path with her. I tried taking a cane and trying to find it that way a few days ago, but I still missed the turn. And then it's circle walking time where I'm completely thrown off and feel ridiculous. We walk a loop around the Bart sidewalk, and I'm totally disoriented. I heel her and try to find something familiar with my cane. It's just terribly frustrating since I have used this Bart station for years and suddenly find myself way off track. My friend Alison is going to try and help later this week. She'll stand at the spot where we have to turn to head to the gates, and I'll try clicker training or just practice from getting off the bus and walking towards it. Somehow, she did it perfectly the first day, but it's been a frustrating mess since. I also need to work with her on finding the intersection near my house that I need to cross in order to catch the bus. This will most likely require clicker training because it's off set, and she will pass it otherwise. I've been passing it and having to walk back to it with her. The crossing itself is also weird, so I've been healing her through it for the time being. I think one of my biggest challenges is learning to teach Sicily all the various turning points and small things I used to know how to do confidently as a cane traveler. I relied heavily on landmarks, and I don't see most of those anymore because she sees them as obstacles to be weaved around. Because my walking pace is faster, I'm also passing landmarks quicker than I once did, so my time/distance configuring has to be reevaluated. It just scares me when I get turned around in areas that were absolutely familiar to me with a cane. I feel silly disoriented in these locations, and I fear that Sicily will lose confidence in me or her work. Megan, one of my trainers in the program, is coming out July 13 to do some postgraduate route work with me which will be much appreciated, but I'll have to focus on a few main things, and I still have so much to learn with Sicily. I only experienced San Rafel with her, so I had no past to judge from. This transition from cane to dog here in my territory is harder. I know we'll work it out; it's just overwhelming at times. Sicily's house behaviors are coming along. I'm leaving her off tie down increasingly. She has attempted to chew some pillows which I've caught her in the act of and firmly stated my displeasure. She had been walking around sniffing everything or trying to rampage through the apartment, but she is calming down, more able to simmer down after a few minutes of running around with her kong or tug toy. Aside from the chewing, she is coming along and really seeming to adjust here well. An annoying problem is developing with releiving, however. Yesterday morning she wouldn't go first thing. I was outside with her for maybe 5 minutes or so, and she wanted to play, try to eat some leaves and generally fuck around. I brought her inside, played tug with her to try and get her some exercise in hopes it would get the water works moving. She went to the door on her own and waited for me to put her leash on. We went out again, and she pooped but wouldn't pee. We went back inside, and 5 minutes later, she stood at the door wanting to go out once again. She peed that time. Later in the day, we went through the same routine. Refusing to go initially and then 10 minutes later waiting at the door for me to take her out again where she peed. Later, she did go immediately when I took her out but then walked over to the door 10 minutes later. At that point, I put her on tie down for a while. This morning, she refused to go again. She came in, slept for a while, and she did releive when I took her out 45 minutes later, though I was outside with her for a good 15 minutes. Any ideas of how to deal with this? She used to be a quick releiver. Now, unless she really has to go badly, she seems to dawdle more and it's making the morning releiving really a struggle. I'm thinking about maybe feeding her and waiting a bit before taking her out in hopes she'll feel more like going quickly. I'm just worried that's playing with fire after 10 or so hours of not urinating. So, this is what I've come too. My days are focused around my dog's bathroom habits, worrying that she'll eat or chew something she's not supposed too and feeling a tad overwhelmed. All in all, however, I think we're doing OK. She seems happy, loves playing tug with me. She'll actually bring her ring to me now when she wants to play, and when we came in from a successful releiving earlier, she walked around a bit, sniffed things and then came in my room, lay down with her bone and fell asleep. She's following me more. Her informal recall still sucks when she's not in the mood to come or she's considering doing something naughty, but she's mellowing in the house. So, that's the news from these parts. It's been a rambly post I know. Today, I'm going to take her out to the convenience store later. I'm still waiting to hear what and where my next contract work will be with the company I teach adaptive technology for. I have to finish up with one client but God knows where my next work from them will be or when. I'm increasingly not happy with the lack of work, and I know that trying to find something else is really starting to become necessary. OK. I'm going to grab a bit more sleep. Current Mood: tired | | Tuesday, June 26th, 2007 | | 4:16 pm |
Sicily's home
It has been an insanely emotional past few days and weeks. The graduation ceremony Saturday was sappy to the hilt, and some people from class went way overboard with goofy and, on some levels, almost inappropriate tributes to trainers and staff. We all got baseball caps with our class number on them which is an OK momento, but two members of the class presented ridiculous amounts of shit, told inside jokes and took altogether too much time making presentations that very few people in the audience would give a shit about. The ceremony was lengthy to begin with, and this just lengthened it needlessly. Sicily's puppy raiser attended, and Sicily was off the charts in hyper activity level. Her raiser is a high school student, and her mother and father were there also. It was obvious that Sicily both remembered and loved these folks immensely. She was jumping on them, panting, basically impossible to control. The trainers told us to expect this, but wow. She was one black ball of energy. I cried during my speech when Sicily was presented to me, but so many people were full of emotion that I don't think I made too much of a jackass out of myself. It was hard to say goodbye to so many people. For four weeks, my life had been consumed with the campus, the other students, dogs. Real life seemed surreal. One of the trainers drove me home Saturday afternoon, and Jess came along for the ride. It was horribly difficult to say goodbye to her. Rooming with her was really terrific and offered so much peace and support amid all the dramas going on in the dorm. My apartment would have seemed eerily quiet if it weren't for an overexcited, anxious Sicily wanting to run around, sniff everything and basically attempt to get in to everything. I was holding her leash, but the excitement of the day really propelled her to act out. She peed on the living room carpet in the first 10 minutes. She pulled a replica of a black lab somebody gave me for a present at some point off a table and tried chewing on it. All smallish items are now stowed in a closet. Two friends, long time guide dog users, brought pizza over, and we scoped out good tie down locations for Sicily. Once we got her settled by the couch, she calmed down rather quickly and the excessive panting subsided. After they left, she managed to releive outside, and she immediately fell asleep when we came indoors. Sunday and Monday were good days. Sicily seems to be settling in. I will not let her off tie down for a while. She is so inquisitive that she will undoubtedly get in to everything for a while without some major limits. We had a quiet day Sunday, played some tug and took a walk to the convenience store which went reasonably well. Some construction has been done since I left for Gdb, and there were some differences in the route. I brought my cane and had to use it a few times just to get back on track, but Sicily did quite well all things considered. Monday, I took her to the closest bus stop. A strange crossing is on the way to the stop that we wll need some work on. The intersection is kind of unique in terms of where it is located, and there is a weird island in the middle. I healed Sicily through it. She accomplished the rest of the walk without difficulty, however, and amazingly she stopped at the bus stop sign without prompting. She rode without trouble on the bus and on Bart. I took her to use an ATM machine and then inside a local bank to conduct some business, and she was great. On the way home, the bus driver failed to call my stop, so this lengthened the afternoon considerably. When we got home, she ate dinner and curled up and fell asleep for a few hours. Today, I had to go to Petco and buy her some more food. I placed an order with petfood direct early last week that still has not arrived, and purchasing more food in the interim was unavoidable. Sicily was more sniffy and distracted on the way to the bus stop, though in retrospect one of those stops may have been a traffic check. She pulled me in to some grass, and I realized later that a car was trying to pull in to a driveway very close by. I'm not sure whether she was being cautious or just silly. She brought me right to the bus stop again and rode without incident on the bus. I decided to take a cab to Petco from Bart, and I think this confused her because she found me a set of fare gates to get in to the train station which I did not want today. At the store, she was really hyper, and I came very close to giving her a high collar. She wanted to sniff everything, didn't want to sit. I got her food and some more poop bags. We took a cab home because the idea of trying to carry a mammoth bag of food on Bart and on the bus was inconceivable. I found maneuvering with so much stuff really complicated. Paying with just one hand, keeping everything together while keeping her under control was hard. I know I'll get used to it, but I'm so used to having two hands to conduct business with, and now I'm more limited with a black, furry lab attached to my left hand. Getting home was OK. She jumped on the taxi seat, and it took a bit to get her down. After releiving her, she set about trying to chew some couch cushions, so she was not happy for me taking them away and the forceful nos that went along with it. She has a nack for chewing. She's been chewing on her fleece carpet and now the cushions. I'm not quite sure how to solve this problem aside from tforcefuly saying no when I catch her and taking items away from her. She is currently sacked out and asleep. I think today's journey was a bit stressful for her. I also need to try and change the releiving spot I've been using. There is lots of grass and trees to the side of my apartment building, and I have been using this spot. It's been convenient, just a few steps from my door, but she walks around in the thick shrubbery, and it's hard for me to track what she's doing. She's been pooping on the pavement directly in front of this shrubbery up to this point, but today she pooped in the shrubbery, and it was hell to try and retreive it since the foliage is so thick there. So, we've got to find another spot. So, that's how we're doing. I see Fargo is doing well. How about Santana? Current Mood: tired | | Tuesday, June 12th, 2007 | | 12:02 pm |
clicker, tug and barks
OK. I am so apolegetic to all of you. Sicily is fine. I got her back late Wednesday afternoon, and she's been in great health ever since. The vet felt that her vomiting was probably a case of indigestion. She probably scavenged something off the ground without my notice. She's back to her normal self. So, her guide work continues to be exemplary. She continues to stop at basically every curb. She gets a bit sniffy on occasion when she approaches shrubbery, but a reasonably swift pull of the leash gets her back on track. One of the instructors told me this morning that we are doing so well that our pace together has increased due to the growing mutual confidence between us. He said that, if this increased speed was acceptable, I'd need to reevaluate my time/space distance in terms of where I turn and how I give directions since I'm reaching locations so much more rapidly. I like the speed at which we walk together, so I'll just have to be more cognizant of the difference. We get better each day, and I am so impressed with this dog. Her behavior in the dining hall is so much improved. Due to the work with clicker training, she is able to lie down next to my chair without the issues we were dealing with previously. She gets up a few times during each meal, but she quickly will lie back down again with a simple command to do so. No more of this constant worming further and further from the table out in to the aisleway. It's phenomenal how clicking a little box and offering a few bits of food for good behavior changes a dog's behavior. Theese labs will do more or less anything for food. Sicily and I are also really getting the hang of playing together. She now loves playing tug out on our patio. She's more of an interactive dog than a play alone kind of girl. I throw her tug toy, and she runs around with it for a biut and then brings it to me, puts her paws on my leg as if to say, "hey, you grab the other end of this, and I'll hold on as hard as I can, OK?" She loves this game, and it's fun to see her so excited. It's a terrific way to burn off some of that energy from working for both of us as well. I've found it's also a great way to get her to drink her water. She doesn't tend to drink very much if she hasn't been active, but a good 20-minute tug session before watering time will send her straight for the water bowl when we get inside. So, things with Sicily are great. Some of the people here are really stepping heavily on my nerves. One woman continually slams iin to people when she does the route from out trnsport buses to the dormitory. She bounds straight ahead, heedless of dogs and people in her path. She's a complete piece of work, and I will be glad never to see her again. Another woman tromps along and practically stepped on Sicily the other day in the computer lab. AThere's also a male student here who is basically a big, brainless dufus. He asks repetitive questions. I think he's asked me what I do for work about 15 times. He rarely corrects his dog, and you can count on his dog to continuously bark when he leaves him alone for any amount of time. I will be glad to go home soon. Of course, Jess it terrific, and rooming with her is a great low drama space of peace. The people at my table for meals are great, and our table tends to get in to loud, hysterical conversations that leave me with a smile. OK. Lunch soon. More updates when I have a moment which is not often. Current Mood: busy | | Thursday, June 7th, 2007 | | 9:24 am |
sens Sicily good vibes
OK. Sorry for my inability to update in the past few days. I had no idea how busy and hectic the schedule would be here. Up around 5 to get showered and ready, feed the dogs at 6:15 and take them out to relieve afterwards, breakfast, morning session until noon, lunch, afternoon session until five, dinner, sometimes an evening workshop in ear cleaning or grooming. I grab some down time waiting for my trainer to work with Sicily and me on mobility routes and learning how to navigate with a guide dog, but it's just enough to check my e-mail and just chill out talking to people. The energy to write isn't always there. So, all in all, Sicily and I are doing well. She's a sweet, silly dog. Loves to play with me but not with toys. Both a nyla bone and a tug toy weren't attractive to her. She'd rather grab my hand with her paws and try to put my fingers in her mouth. She also is quirky about the dining room, often refusing to lie down close to my chair without lots of coaxing. And even when she does lie down, she likes to work her way further and further from my chair in to the aisle where people might step on her. Nobody's sure why she's so squeamish about the dining room, but we're attempting to get her to stay closer to my chair in increments with food rewards for good behavior and a concept called clicker training. A clicker looks like a small box; you depress a square in the center of the box and it makes a clicking sound that dogs seem to like. Every time they do something you want them to do such as sitting for a certain length of time, lying down for longer and longer amounts of time, finding chairs or other objects, you press the clicker and offer a few bits of dog food. So, every evening the trainers and I are trying to get Sicily closer to my chair using this clicker technique, and she's doing much better. Late last week, I was getting up 4 or 5 times per meal to try and resituate her with tons of resistance. She's getting easier to manage at the table at this point, so she's coming along. Her guide work is excellent! We're walking well together. Her pace meshes very well with mine, and I am really starting to trust her and forget what it was like not to have a dog by my side. She's doing a great job at weaving around obstacles for the most part. She has her moments, but my trainer thinks most of them are just her trying to figure out how much room I need to clear certain objects and get used to my walking patterns and movements. She's used to working with those who trained her, and everybody's walking style varies. She's a super dog and is picking up fast. Now, here's where I need some good vibes. She vomited on our afternoon route yesterday. She seemed OK immediately afterwards and completed a really terrific route. She vomited again going back to the dorm on the bus, however and again around 8 last night. She slept for a few hours, and then her stomach began making these awful growling noises. She vomited again around 3 this morning and again around 7. She's currently at the vet where an x-ray on her abdomen is being conducted, and they are trying to feed her special food for dogs with upset stomachs. People are positive because she does not act as if she feels poorly. She is wagging her tail, showing interest in what's going on around her and acting normally. But she is vomiting, and the vet feels that this is strange since diarrhea is usually the first sign a dog has an upset stomach, and she has not had that issue. The biggest fear is that possibly something is lodged in her abdomen that she can't vomit out of her system. She could have scavenged something off the ground that was bad. I'll know more after lunch today. In the mean time, I miss my puppy terribly. I'm so used to her being at my side, that it's hard to be holding an empty leash. So, I'm resting this morning since I don't have a dog to work with and planning on trying to sleep a bit. Please send positive thoughts to Sicily. I want to pick up the harness and work with her again soon! Current Mood:  worried | | Thursday, May 31st, 2007 | | 8:03 pm |
It's a girl!
So sorry to those of you eagerly anticipating the news yesterday, but so much emotion and excitement was involved in receiving my dog that the energy to post simply was nonexistent by last night. So, it's a beautiful black lab named Sicily. She's a little girl, 53 pounds. The instructors warned us not to be upset if our dogs didn't respond immediately when we were introduced, but Sicily walked in, licked my face and put her head on my lap. I started to cry, and I knew we would be OK together. I spent the afternoon with her in my room, and she sat in my lap for a long time. She's really mellow. She does like to lick my face if I give her the opportunity, but she hasn't attempted to jump on any furniture as of yet. She did show her playful side earlier this evening during a lecture on grooming. She thought the brushes were toys and wanted very badly to try and put them in her mouth. I was so glad to see some major playfulness from her that I didn't correct her too seriously. She did calm down after a bit and let me brush her; then she stretched out and released this long grunt of contentment. She's a good girl. We will see what happens next week, however. One of the instructors who will be teaching the upcoming class for the retrains, folks getting a dog who are not first timers, trained my dog. It remains to be seen how Sicily will react when she sees her trainer. I've been warned this angel might get rambunctious and rowdy when she sees the trainer who primarily worked with her. This is quite common. I'm seeing that attachment to trainers with some of the dogs who were trained by members of this instructor staff, and dogs really bond hard. What I keep focusing on, however, is that those dogs will bond just as intensely with their owners once the transition is complete. Now, her guide work. I've had two sessions with her today, and she is marvelous. We are gelling as a team quite quickly, though I've got to learn to trust her. Being a cane user for so many years, I'm used to seeking out landmarks with my cane and traveling in such different patterns and at a different pace. She has stoppped at every curb so far, and we really started to get a stride that felt good to me by the end of our second session this afternoon. I believe we will be fine together. I already love this dog. She is exactly what I asked for in terms of temperament and walking pace. She doesn't pull too hard when we're walking, and she seems very calm in different situations. She is having a hell of a time sitting on the bus we use to get to downtown San Rafael; she'd rather lie down in the aisle every two minutes. She doesn't like lying next to me in the dining hall either. She really likes to lie down and stretch out as much as possible. She's a bit of a lazy girl sometimes but not when it comes to working. She seems very eager to get moving when that harness goes over her head. So, releiving is in just a few minutes, but there's the news. I love this little black lab and I feel confident that this match will be a winner for us both. She's sleeping at my side in the computer lab as I write. She's a real cutie. Off to see if she needs to pee. Wake up Sicily. We've got places to go. Current Mood: cheerful | | Tuesday, May 29th, 2007 | | 8:06 pm |
tomorrow!
OK. Tomorrow, we get our dogs! I've spent the day feeling varying degrees of anticipation, anxiety and pangs of unchecked emotion. I've thought about training for a guide dog for so long, and the reality is still setting in that an actual live dog will be matched with me tomorrow. I sometimes still can't wrap my mind around it. Thanks to all of you who left comments. I wish I could respond to you all individually but I'm really pretty tired at this point and just want to drop by and post this update. But quickly: Looking forward to seeing you as well Imafarmgirl. There is lots of positive energy here. Though I've said some of my classmates are a bit off, everybody is excited and motivated to make the best out of this experience. This environment is really humming with optimism, and the staff have been nothing but hospitable, kind and patient. I couldn't be in a more friendly atmosphere. And Paw power, please feel free to add me as a friend. Insafemode, I think a less crass name would do just fine. I'd like to walk with my dog without being arrested for indecent displays of foul language. Thanks to everybody else for your support. More later. I'm going to track down Jess and see how the yoga class she attended went. Current Mood: hopeful | | Monday, May 28th, 2007 | | 8:02 pm |
Juno, Sit
OK. Over 24 hours completed at guide dog school. Our dorm rooms are terrific. Patio. Lots of space. Jess and I have our own sinks. And the services available such as fresh daily towels and weekly laundered sheets more resemble a hotel experience than dorm life. And the food is rockass. Nothing canned or processed. Homemade. We are truly spoiled at meal time. OK. So, about dogs. We get our dogs Wednesday, but the first few days are about figuring out what kind of canine we would best mesh with. So, this morning we practiced working with a few dogs that are a few months away from training. I worked with a real hyper dog that really wanted to run ahead of me and a mellow dog who was more willing to continue at the pace I chose. This afternoon, we went to downtown San Rafael and got a feel for the neighborhood. The other students are OK. Some giggly girls. A kind of shady guy who was badly in need of a can of dip. A really irritating chick from Canada who laughs just a bit too loud and says random comments that are a tad out there. She walked up behind another student and draped a dog collar around his neck. Boundaries anybody? But basically just your average group of blind folks. Some kind of out there. A few slightly socially inept individuals, and some pretty cool, normal folks. I am really glad that Jess and I are here together. That makes it easier for me to be away from home for this length of time and to share this sometimes surreal experience with. And Kurt, who I mentioned in a previous post, is also training for a dog, so it's good to catch up with him. He's one of my table mates in the dining hall, so some normalcy in this sometimes chaotic environment is really appreciated. OK. Jess and I are off to get sodas. More later. Current Mood:  anxious | | Monday, May 14th, 2007 | | 2:16 pm |
beyond e-mail
-----Original Message----- From: nana Sent: May 6, 2007 7:57 PM To: taintedsight Subject: Sunny-sunny. Hi Taintedsight, Hope you had a good week.Here we are done with the weddings for the summer. So far we have no more plans for the summer. We just enjoyed watching another win for the Red Sox. They are doing real well. Hope they keep it up. The weather forecast is for sunny and mid eighty temperatures for this week. after all the wind and rain we had this spring we are really looking forward to warm weather. Mom told me that Erin (my sister) was walking today for the yearly cancer walk. I haven't heard from her since her trip to Arizona. She's still very busy with school and more studies. Mimi (my great aunt) is home from the hospital. Her health seems good but the Alzeimers is progressing. Her family is meeting tomorrow to try to come to a decision for her care. It is such a big decision to make. Have a good week. We love you and miss you every day. All our love, Nana and Pep. That was the last e-mail my grandmother wrote me. She died last night. She was a no nonsense, stubborn, determined woman who was as inflexible when it came to her beliefs as steel. She wanted everything to go her way. If my grandmother had run the world, she would have been a benevolent dictator who baked chocolate cake for you while lecturing on her black and white philosophies. If you didn't agree that God is the almighty presence that will kick your ass if you sin, that being gay isn't OK unless you rise above it by entering the priesthood or a convent, that all Democrats are worth supporting and that nobody should live 3,000 miles away from their family, you were made aware in no uncertain terms of your flawed thinking. If you didn't agree, you'd still get as many pieces of cake as you wanted, but she'd pray for you. Nana was a relentless battle ax. She told us all what to do, and you either did it or gritted your teeth and listened to the imminent guilt trip. I waged a war of wills with her from very early on. I always wanted my own way too, and it usually was the direct opposite of hers. I refused to wear dresses as a child. She'd cajole, threaten, promise me anything under the sun if I'd just wear the dress she bought me to some family party. I steadfastly refused to continue religious education classes from the age of 13 on to her perpetual dismay. She accidentally discovered I was gay when I was 21 when she saw my name on a poster for the campus gay student alliance at my college. She told me soon afterwards that I was going to live a lonely, isolated life and that the Bible forbade homosexuality, that I should quit that organization or I'd break everybody's heart. She said awful things, and a rift between us miles wide opened that never really healed. I never forgave her for attempting to deny this integral aspect of who I am. Still, she sent e-mails almost every week and baked me cakes and brownies every time I saw my family. My grandmother probably prayed for me every fucking day. She hated that I moved 3,000 miles away to California. No matter how much I hurt, angered and frustrated her, she was always glad to see me when I made my annual family visit over the past few years. I spoke with her yesterday to wish her a happy Mother's Day. She said she wasn't feeling very well and thought she had a case of indigestion. I told her I was about to begin training with a guide dog in a few weeks, and she surprised me by her enthusiasm about it. I think it's the best news I've given her in many years. I talked about visiting later this summer, and she wanted to meet my dog. She said that talking to me was making her feel better. It was maybe the most positive conversation we've had in I can't remember how long. Usually, the words don't flow easily, and it's a challenge to converse with her since so much between us remained unsaid and avoided. When I hung up, I told her I loved her and that I would visit soon. She felt better later in the day apparently and she and my grandfather went to my parent's house. She ate a little bit and got to see my sister as well. They all watched the Red Sox come from behind to beat the Baltimore Orioles. She spent some time sitting on the deck in the sun, and then my grandfather drove her home. She sat in her armchair, put her head back and closed her eyes for the last time. A massive heart attack ended her life immediately. It was just like her. When my grandmother had enough, she never hung around to belabor the point. She died like she lived. Quick, black and white actions with no room for nuance or interpretation. She always said she didn't want to die slowly or suffer through a long illness. She got her way. I wish that I'd gotten one more chance to see her, but I suspect it would have been as difficult and challenging as all our visits over the years. Still, I wish I could have one more slice of her chocolate cake, hear her exuberantly yell "merry Christmas!" while stomping snow from her boots at my parent's house, get one more e-mail from her, hear her rail at my grandfather one more time because he forgot the camera at home. When somebody's gone, you miss things you never thought you would. The way they laughed. Little expressions that drove you crazy. It's childhood memories that keep bursting open today. The stories she made up to help me sleep when I was little. The way I'd hear her singing when I woke up from a nap at her house as a child. The way I used to sit in her lap when I was sick as a little girl. The way she used to spend hours playing Leggos with my sister and me. Since my relationship with her as an adult was so complicated, I remember the childhood times more vividly. I thought my nana was indestructible then. My parents and I decided last night that I will come visit this summer at some point with my dog. I know she would have enjoyed meeting him/her. Since I suspect my grandfather will want to sell their house, I'll visit one last time and probably go to the cemetery also and say my own private goodbyes. I don't know whether she ever came to terms with the fact that I'm gay. I hope so, that maybe she just never got a chance to tell me. See you later nana. I did love you. Current Mood: empty | | Saturday, April 28th, 2007 | | 9:58 pm |
puppy pending
Yes. I know. Nothing but silence from me for months. Somehow, the desire to journal petered out slowly last summer and basically trickled too only a few drops last fall. When I launched this journal in early 2006, my life was more chaotic. Work made me tired. Dissipating friendships frustrated and scared me. Ralph drifted out of the apartment one day, garbage, bed bugs and a syringe in the wall momentos of his grimy presence. I moved. So much to write and analyze. So much madness to vent about. And honestly, nobody to really discuss it with. Last summer exploded in to so much conversation, connection and sensations that journaling just didn't seem a priority anymore. When the rapids calmed in September, I thought of writing but managed only a few brief entries. Last winter was slow and tedious. Work drizzled in sporadically unfortunately. At this point, I'm awaiting some development on a state job I applied for; the wheels are turning slowly, so I'm not sure how this will progress. I work with an occasional client teaching Jaws in conjunction with Internet Explorer and MS Word. On occasion, I substitute in the Lighthouse computer lab. Time just played slowly out over the winter. I moved in December and am living with a roommate who is basically never here. He has a child in southern Cali and spends most of his time out there; his mother is more or less caring for his son while he runs around with his married girlfriend. But he doesn't want to let this apartment go because the rent is sweet, and maybe, possibly he might come back some day. Until then, I pay the basic bills here and a major chunk of the rent. Some people think I'm getting a raw deal. Though I deal with his calls in which he insists he wants to keep a long distance plan that costs 7 cents a minute just so that he can use it when he returns on very infrequent visits and feels I should pay for it, and other niggly issues, I pay for peace and quiet. No bed bugs. No manipulative roommates who periodically fight and cause me to feel like an imposter in my living situation. Just silence for the most part. For the first time in years, I more or less live alone. It was kind of refreshing at first. Now, I'm tired of it. The quiet trips me out lately. These days, I want people around, excitement, zing. I want summer back. I don't know how this summer will evolve, but I know I will not be completely alone here for much longer. In a little less than a month, I'm off to San Rafel to train for a guide dog. So, right now, either some labrador or golden retreiver is probably sleeping in the Gdb kennels wondering what the hell all this crazy work has been leading up too, talking to all his/her puppy pals about the people who take them to all these strange places and ask them to wear this harness contraption. They're all wondering why they're different from other dogs they see through windows and on downtown streets. One puppy is going to be introduced to me, and we'll have to learn to trust each other, form a special bond. I anticipate a really intense, possibly grueling 3.5 weeks of training. I've thought about getting a dog for quite a long time, but just_jess78 and I talked about it so much last summer, that I really got motivated to finally initiate the application process, and I got accepted in early March for the class that begins Memorial Day weekend. Just_jess78 is in the same class, so it should be one hell of an adventure. I'm glad she'll be there to share the ride. I'm nervous, anxious and really excited. Though I have heard from so many that this is not a good idea so soon after training with a new dog, I really am stuck with the necessity of going to the Acb convention in Minneapolis. I got elected to the board of Blind Friends of Lesbians and Gays last summer, and I am in charge of some things at convention, primarily trying to ensure women's movie night actually is a success, that women attend. The L in BFLAG was represented by just_jess78 and me last summer, and that's really unacceptable in an organization of over 130 members. I also have to present a proposal at the annual business meeting on transferring our print directory of members to a Web-based medium. I honestly am not thrilled about going, and I fear taking a new dog. I really will need to consult with Gdb staff to figure out if I can attend this convention with my dog without seriously compromising our new bond. What I deal with if I don't go is my credibility with BFLAG flushed down the toilet. So, this is a major decision I am faced with making. I plan to use this journal space to write about my experiences at Gdb, so stay tuned. I believe it will regain its vitality. On New Year's Eve, I celebrated with just_jess78 and two of her best friends. Shortly after midnight, a few of us threw our champagne glasses in the street, whooping about the new year to come, leaping up and down, asking for 2007 to be as brilliant as the fireworks bursting with sound and color around us. This past winter has not been great. I hope this summer might wash away this cold dullness with some flash, some surprises, some wildness. I may pay for this later, but I'm asking for the silence to evolve in to something that will help move me forward, that all the raindrops of winter will dissolve along with all the cold quiet that makes me a little crazier each day. I want thunder and magic. I've been so tired all winter, and I am waking up. So, let the stretching and working towards something brilliant commence. Current Mood: determined |
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